Over the past week and a half I have tried to figure out how to emotionally detach myself from everything I have come to know and love here in Swaziland. The things I have experienced during my three months here will now always be a part of who I am, a part of my story, but it is time to go home and start the next chapter of my life.

            During the past three months the Lord has taken me through some healing from things in my past that have left wounds, and I don't think that would have happened if I was still at home. The Lord has taught me so much about what prayer should look like, but most importantly how powerful it is. I don't think I would have learned that lesson to the extent that I did if I was still living in my comfortable American life. The Lord has taught me how important it is to have a strong Christian community to be a part of. Just last night we listened to a teaching and the preacher was talking about five things we need for the road ahead. One of those things is traveling companions. It is important to have people walking along side me to hold me accountable, challenge me, teach me, love me, be honest with me, and many other things. When I get home that is something I will be seeking out. 

            So the Lord has taught me a lot about how my life needs to change or how I need to grow, but He also chose me to be a part of so many people's lives while being here. This week I had to say goodbye to more people than I think I ever have in my whole life. I taught Religion Education at a Primary school as well as Life Orientation to so many children. I loved spending a lot of my time with them, but I had to pass the responsibility on to someone else. I went to the hospital and met new people that I built relationships with or just met once, but I still had to tell them goodbye. I went to two different care points where I got to love on so many precious children and no matter how much I didn't want to, I still had to tell them all goodbye. As I was telling everyone goodbye the thoughts went through my mind such as: "will these children at the school still receive the education about who created them and why their lives are so important?" and "will there be anyone who steps out of their comfort zone to spend time with the sick and hurting at the hospital?" and "who will continue to love on and hug the beautiful children at the care points?". The Lord quickly reminded me was that I am not the one who made any kind of impact on the people I spent time with, but instead it was HIM in me. He chose me to be a vessel here in Swaziland, but with or without me He would still be able to do everything that I was a part of.

            It is hard to leave a place or environment that has allowed so much to happen in my life, but as we are preparing to head back to America my prayer is that the presences that is missed is not mine, or anyone from my team, but that they realize what they are missing in the presence of Jesus that is in us. We continually prayed that we would be hidden behind the cross, that everyone would see Jesus and not us. I pray that by us being here the people we met and built relationships will crave the presence of our Lord more than ever.

            The last couple of times I've gone to the hospital I prayed that the Lord would allow me to share my story with someone there. I imagined telling someone about how I came to know the Lord or even just telling them about what the Lord is doing in my life now. I thought maybe I would be able to share stories about the hard things I have gone through or poor decisions I have made and how the Lord still used those times to refine me. 

            One day I spent the afternoon at the hospital with two ladies who were there taking care of their sister. We ended up talking about the differences in our cultures as well as about our families. I showed them a picture that I have of my whole family. I asked them about their families and they glowed when they told me about their children and grandchildren. It is impossible to talk to woman who has sons without getting a marriage proposal from them. I politely listened to their request but kindly declined. I didn't share the part of my story with these ladies that I had imagined, but I did share with them a part of what has made me who I am today. 

            Another visit to the hospital, I spent my time in the children's malnourished ward. There were two siblings there, twins. The boy is healthy and doing well, but his sister is not. They are about 2 months old, but she only weighs (my guess) about 4 pounds. The mother was outside doing their laundry when I got there and the baby girl was crying so I picked her up. She was hungry but I knew that I probably wouldn't be able to feed her because most mothers breast feed. I asked one of the other ladies in the ward and they said that the baby is fed with formula. They handed me an adult sized cup and a medicine measuring cup. I was supposed to pour formula out of the larger cup and feed this tiny baby girl with the measuring cup. The mother came back when I was feeding her daughter. I saw an immediate look of relief on her face. She was able to sit down and feed her son without worrying about her daughter. After about 45 minutes of slowly feeding her, she finished all of the formula. Her mother couldn't believe it. Again, I had expectations of how I wanted to share my story but that wasn't at all how it happened. I was able to share a part of who I am and some things I have learned from situations I have experienced, even though it was not what I had pictured.

            The Lord taught me through those experiences that I may have an idea of what I think a situation should look like, but He is the one who ultimately knows. I pray that He will give me knowledge about situations I am going into and often times I hear Him clearly, but there are also many times when I don't get the right picture. It is in times like those when I want to be open and willing to do whatever the Lord has for me and not be set on what I think should happen.

is believing in something you can not see.

About two and a half weeks ago I went to the hospital like normal except I took a few extra minutes to go inside. I waited a couple of minutes so that I could walk in with Zama (a little boy who spent about a week in the hospital). Before I went inside I had an overwhelming feeling that Eli wasn't going to be there. I almost needed someone to go inside to make sure he was there and come back out to tell me. I couldn't bare the thought of him not being there. So many other children and adults who my teammates had invested time in were no longer there. They always expected to see them the next time and then one day they weren't there. They were never given a warning, no chance to say goodbye. I couldn't imagine the thought of never getting to tell Eli goodbye. I knew that I wanted to write him a letter that would hopefully be put into his file. I wanted him to know who he was to me and why I chose Elijah for his name.

A few days later I went to the hospital just like I had every Tuesday and went straight to the malnourished room to see Eli. There were a lot of people in the room so I couldn't see in very well. I saw Eli's bed and there was a different child there. I think I looked at least 3 times to makes sure it wasn't him. I didn't want to believe that he was actually gone. I asked a nurse and all she knew was that someone can to take him the day before. I finally found out that his grandfather had picked him up.

A little side note: I was able to see Eli on Monday, the day before. Some of the team and I went to visit another little boy and while I was there I went to say hi to Eli. Kaci and I took him outside and he showed the biggest improvement. He was squatting and pulling himself back up; he would stand in the dirt, which he usually hated; and he responded to me calling him by his name.

The day Eli was gone, all I wanted to do was sit on the bench and cry. And that's what I did for a while. I had no motivation to invest any time in anyone else. I hate the feeling of knowing that I have to start at the beginning. After finally deciding to set aside my insecurities, I went back inside to try again. Since that day I have had to step out of my comfort zone. I was comfortable with Eli; I felt safe while I was with him. The Lord has been teaching me that He wants to see us reach our full potential, but most of the time it requires taking us out of our comfort zones. 

I think back on the prayers that I prayed for Eli and I try with all of my might to believe that the Lord has answered those prayers. I prayed that he would grow up in a home where he would be loved unconditionally, that he would grow up in a home that loves the Lord, and that he would become a man who changes the world for the name of Jesus. I do not know the people who took him, but I am having faith that God wants to and is answering my prayers. I continue to pray that Eli will be loved, if not from his family then feeling the love from the Lord. I also pray that his grandfather will be the leader and example in his life so that he can grow up to be the man God has created him to be. I am so thankful that the Lord blessed with the time I was able to spend with Elijah. I miss him terribly, but there is great comfort in knowing he is watched over by Jesus.

   

    This week the Lord has been teaching me a lot about prayer so I thought it was appropriate to share with the team the things I was learning during our prayer time. It pumps me up when the Lord teaches me new things, to the point where I can hardly keep it inside, and I just want to share it with everyone. That is what did Thursday during our prayer time and it is what I'm going to do with this blog; I am going to share with you some of the awesome things the Lord has been teaching me.

    I have been slowly digesting the words from the book Celebration of Discipline by Richard Foster and the latest chapter that I have been reading is call The Discipline of Prayer. I am almost tempted to retype the whole chapter because I think it is packed with amazing insight, but instead I will share only a few paragraphs:

"Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them. Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.' " Matthew 19:13-14

The first thing that really stuck out to me in this verse is that the children were brought to Jesus so that He could place his hands on them and prays for them. I spend hours with children in my arms, so what better time to pray for them than then. I always cherish the days that I get to hold Eli and pray on his behalf; I love playing with kids on the playground, praying on their behalf.

The second thing that really stuck out to me was the statement from Jesus "for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." On Mondays and Fridays I spend a lot of time with children who come from wealthy families. The Lord has blessed us with opportunities to enter a school and share HIS love with those children. I pray that the seeds that we plant in these children will later sprout and change their lives. I also pray that while we are with each and every child that whatever is said or done will not be a hindrance to them entering the presence of the Lord.

Lord, use me...

When you ask the Lord to use you, He will so be ready! This week we have spent the days seeing the different ministry opportunities that are around our area. There are care points all around the cities where underprivileged (or poverty) children can come for two meals per day and where they can also be loved on and play in a safer environment. The Hope House is a place where people who are sick with TB or HIV/AIDS can go for treatment, food, and a place to live. While we were visiting, we had the opportunity to pray over the patients there and make a small step in building relationships. There is a school in the next town where we have the opportunity to spend time doing crafts, singing songs, and sharing God's Word to the children. The kids at that school do not come from poverty families so at first thought it seems like we shouldn't be investing our time there. However, those kids are the ones who will be the next leaders of this country; the king's son even attends this school. Knowing that, it is obvious that we could make just as much of an impact there as we could anywhere else. At one of the care points there is a group of woman who make purses and other jewelry as a form of income for their families. We haven't been to the hospital yet, but we have had training on the dos and don'ts for it. I'm excited about being there because the people there are suffering alone and I know that I can sit and just hold their hand or talk to them. It breaks my heart knowing that they will probably die alone.